The New Yorker - “…after a few weeks, our portable AC was smarter than an ivy league professor, and to its credit it saw a future in cryptocurrency that we wish we had too.”

The New Yorker - “A voice in my head yells, “Baby want now!” and I’m helpless to resist it.” 

The New Yorker - "...hindsight is '2020 was the last year we could’ve prevented this.'"

The New Yorker - "I am the smartest and oldest student in my school so next year I will go to Harvard right away."

The New Yorker - "There’s so much dirt in there, you can barely even see the dirt. Total ripoff.”

The New Yorker - "Mike was working in production, maybe taping down wires or something, when we thought, Why not? and gave him his own show.

The New Yorker - "Moscow Mule Corpse They Won't Find Until Spring"

McSweeney's - "At the bottom of the canyon, half-dead and mostly on fire..."

McSweeney's - "You may very well be jogging the day after your 63rd birthday when a message will arrive instructing you to begin this test."

Paste Magazine - "Mike has always wanted to be a comedian, but unfortunately he’s stuck in a life that solely consists of him getting open heart surgery."