We Are Now Officially the Brewpub with the Most Sanitized Pickup System in the World
Alimony Wishlist is proud to announce that we are now officially the brewpub with the most sanitized pickup system on Earth. OSHA officers and the WHO recently diverted massive amounts of vital resources to certify that our restaurant and bar’s curbside pickup is in fact the safest and most secured method. We write to you now, our beloved customer, to give you the inside scoop on how our award winning*** pickup protocol works!
***The first and only recipient of The World’s Safest Curbside Pickup System Award, which we invented and printed out for ourselves in our office.
1. The customer places their order on the new Alimony Wishlist Pickup Security App, free and easy to download. Using a simple DNA sample which can be “canned and scanned” at home, AW will designate and assign you one of two threat levels which will determine the simple next steps.
2. If you are Threat Level Gold (you are very ill or are just generally unlikable), you are advised to stay at home, and AW will drone-deliver your order right to your doorstep! We cannot offer drone delivery to every customer at this time, as we have exhausted our budget on the sanitation services we provide to customers who receive less severe threat designations.
3. If you are Threat Level Amber — You may come to pickup your order at AW. When you arrive at AW, you will leave your vehicle step into our patented Anti-Microbial Suds Bath, with specially formulated quick-drying foam sanitized, crafted from our own alcohol right here in-house! The Foam Bath has a light hoppy aroma and produces a pleasant tingling as you are gently engulfed in purifying bubbles. After just 20 seconds, you will be clean enough to move on to the next step.
A customer enjoying a relaxing Suds Bath!
4. Proceeding directly in front of you, lean over and let the Retina Scanner confirm it is you. That’s how we know the right AW customer is getting the right order! Step into the Aural Cleansing Chamber and wait patiently as a choir of soothing and healing 432Hz tones invisibly lap against your skin. Powerful UV lights will flash synchronously producing a pleasant multi-sensory experience, that is fun and functional!
5. Your order for pickup will then emerge through the Yummy Tummy Tunnel***** Rest assured, your order has gone through the same process you have! Note: This will NOT affect the taste and quality of your order. The food is packaged and sealed before being submitted to anti-microbial treatment so as not to contaminate the order.
*****We’ve been arguing internally for weeks over what to call this. I personally really like Yummy Tummy Tunnel; I thought of it, after all, and I’m still in charge, however I’m no tyrant and I’m open to hearing my colleagues’ points of view, no matter how warped they are. They think, “It sounds and feels weird to say.” I hear them out, process this, then usually say something like, “Interesting, because that’s how I feel when every time I look at you.” And we have a nice productive back and forth like that. I’m going to keep using it for now and indefinitely because I like it, thought of it, and am in charge. But I think this note is a nice gesture for my employees.
6. All that’s left is to reverse the process, going through every step again just to make 100% sure you’re totally clean and safe, get in your car, go home, and enjoy!
You can download our app and start ordering RIGHT HERE! We’re really looking forward to seeing you soon!********
The gorgeous interior of the Yummy Tummy Tunnel!
The future of your friendly local brewpub!
******** AW is now 100% fully automated. All employees have been laid off except for me, the creator and founder of the brewery. No one is now or ever will be physically at the Brewpub again. However, I do have cameras covering every inch of the Brewpub and its parking lot, which I now collectively refer to as The Compound, and I do watch them 24/7. And I don’t even feel sleep, thanks to our new Cold Brew Wishlist Limited Edish Lager, which is now available for curbside pickup!