The New Yorker - “…after a few weeks, our portable AC was smarter than an ivy league professor, and to its credit it saw a future in cryptocurrency that we wish we had too.”
The New Yorker - “A voice in my head yells, “Baby want now!” and I’m helpless to resist it.”
The New Yorker - "...hindsight is '2020 was the last year we could’ve prevented this.'"
The New Yorker - "I am the smartest and oldest student in my school so next year I will go to Harvard right away."
The New Yorker - "There’s so much dirt in there, you can barely even see the dirt. Total ripoff.”
The New Yorker - "Mike was working in production, maybe taping down wires or something, when we thought, Why not? and gave him his own show.
The New Yorker - "Moscow Mule Corpse They Won't Find Until Spring"
McSweeney's - "At the bottom of the canyon, half-dead and mostly on fire..."
McSweeney's - "You may very well be jogging the day after your 63rd birthday when a message will arrive instructing you to begin this test."
Paste Magazine - "Mike has always wanted to be a comedian, but unfortunately he’s stuck in a life that solely consists of him getting open heart surgery."
Paste Magazine - "'I love my wife!' he shouts as he swings the shopping cart around, knocking the beautiful interns into pyramids of soup cans and cleaning products."
Paste Magazine - "Minimum Qualifications: That helmet from A Clockwork Orange that clamps your eyes open"
Paste Magazine - "When all our jobs are taken by robots, will we take over for guns by spitting little rocks at people? Bosch demands we think about this for the first time."
The Tusk - "Speaking of doctors, would it be possible for a Swiss professional to euthanize me in mid-air..."